


dear shouyou

by jetsportsummers (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Disappearance, Grief/Mourning, Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23159374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/jetsportsummers
Summary: 2014, March 19Key Press News:Police request public assistance in search for high school senior missing for 4 days
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 7
Kudos: 52





	dear shouyou

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT WARNING for implied abuse/self-harm—it’s not really either but since it’s up for interpretation it's better i mention it.
> 
> in which i project onto kageyama and give him a bigger vocabulary than this Fool will ever actually have. extremely non-canon compliant and self-indulgent. enjoy

**2014, September 13**

Dear ~~Hinata~~ Shouyou,

~~Where are~~

~~If~~

It’s been exactly half a year since you left. A hundred and eighty-two days. As much as I hate admitting it, I’ve been keeping count. I didn’t really want to write this but my feelings are spilling over and I wouldn’t trust myself not to do something with them. I don’t know what to say, this feels stupid. As if you’re ever going to get this anyway. I’m kind of tempted to put this page in a bottle and throw it into the ocean just for shits and gigs. That would have more of a chance of getting to you than anything else I can do now. I wish you’d told me where you went so I could visit, or even just that you were leaving at all. One day you were up and out and that was that and none of us got a say in it and that fucking sucks. And you suck for doing it, dumbass. Also, I take back what I said the week before you left; I ~~did~~ do love you, I think.

I’ve been thinking a lot in general. I tried not to. I spent a while not thinking. That didn’t work out. I ended up not focusing much on anything at all because everything reminded me of you and everything hurt and my life kind of went to shit. Everything still does remind me of you. Everything does still hurt. I’m not sure if my life is still shit. But I ran into Natsu a month after the fact, and she wouldn’t look me in the eye. Mumbled something about your mother not wanting to keep the sweaters you took from me. (I avoided your family. I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t do it.) I think that was the first night I cried properly.

It only sunk in on your birthday, though. God. Hinata. You turned eighteen. And you weren’t even here for it. I hope you got your license, wherever you are. You talked about it a lot. I have no idea _how_ since you’re so fucking annoying, but you make friends easily. So I bet you had people to celebrate it with. The volleyball club celebrated for you if that means anything. It was small. And quiet. I think everyone was too afraid to speak just in case we accidentally said goodbye. We held it during practice, but there was a cake and candles and everything. Everyone went to your house to meet your family the next day—except me and Tsukishima, of course. We didn’t ask how it went, either. I cried again that night.

To be honest, Tsukishima was kind of a mess. I have a feeling he’s lost someone close to him before. I never saw him cry but he stopped making jabs altogether and his eyes were red before practise. So either he’d been crying over you or he’s a druggie now.

I don’t sound angry, do I? I like to think I am—angry at the world, angry at _you_ —but I think I’m just tired. I don’t really feel anything much anymore. Everything feels like it’s on pins and needles all the time and after a while, it just became white noise.

There are things I still want to say. Obviously. I want to tell you I love you. I want to tell you I’m mad at you. I want to tell you I miss you. I want to ask about the scratches. I always assumed the bruises were from volleyball, like Noya-san, but I can’t shake the feeling in my gut that they weren’t. And I saw your back that night last October you fell asleep on me. You were warm. You smelt so _you_. But your shirt rode up and I saw bruises leading to something… more. They were red and awful and I did my best to ignore them and now I wish I hadn’t.

If something was wrong, why didn’t you ever tell me? All you did was yap about everything and that was the one thing you were quiet about? I would have listened. I would have helped. Didn’t you trust me? Fuck you. I wish I didn’t love you.

Autumn is here and you’re not. And you have no fucking clue how much that hurts. Fuck you. I can’t believe you didn’t say anything. I was right there. Fuck you. I want you back. The second term started. It’s our last year. I want to write again soon. I want things to be different. I want you back. Fuck you. You’re never going to see this, are you? I love you.

Kageyama

###

**2014, December 22**

Dear Shouyou,

Yamaguchi said last week that he wishes he could turn back time to before you left and Yachi agreed. It’s been on my mind a lot and I’m not sure why. Maybe because I don’t want to go back in time. I don’t want to deal with you running away again. Everyone misses you, but I don’t think you can hear them. I don’t really miss you anymore. I know it’s only been a couple of months since I said I did, but I’m not sure I care these days.

Tsukishima finally broke down in front of us, by the way. I don’t know if you’d want to know this but he called you a shitty friend and an insensitive bastard and then he cried for fifteen minutes and Yamaguchi did too. Everyone’s on edge and no one wants to come to practice anymore but I think we all do because you would. That’s dumb. You’re not here. Why should we care what you’d do?

It’ll be five years since we first met in junior high soon. I kind of wish we hadn’t. I turned eighteen, too, an hour ago. I always forget that you’re technically older than me, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. ~~Getting older feels kind of pointless when you’re not here doing it too.~~ It’s dumb. You’re dumb. I don’t miss you.

Winter is here. The weather isn’t awful, but I kind of regret giving all those sweaters to you now since I barely have any myself. I wonder what your mother did with them. Do you think you’d ever like to visit here again? I think your family needs you. I see Natsu sometimes and I don’t think she’s okay. She looks tired. More tired than a girl her age should. I can’t help but wonder when I see her if she knew about the scratches up your back. Does she have them too?

If you do visit, I don’t think you’ll see me. I’m figuring out what I want to do after graduation and I think I’m going to go away. This place reminds me too much of you. I don’t like it. I don’t want to think about you. I’ve lost nine months to you already. No more. I won’t be here if you come back. I might hate you a little.

People miss you, though. Some of the Nekoma graduates visited to pay their respects. For what, I have no idea—it’s not like you died. I overheard Kuroo mentioning that Kenma hasn’t shown up for a while. It’s already been so long, though, how much more time does anyone need?

And can someone please tell Miya Atsumuthat some of us would like to move on? I saw him too, and I will never get over how entitled he is. As if still grieving gives him some sort of moral high ground. He tried to sound sympathetic. It just came off as patronising. He’s awful. I don’t know what you see in him. Actually, it makes me a little glad that he’s one of us that you left behind.

Hinata, I tried. I tried to give you a chance. To forgive you—as if you left any room for that anyway. I know that people think you deserve it, to be forgiven. They say you’re probably dead. They say that there’s no way someone like you would run away and never come back and that our police department is incompetent and that’s why you were never found. I don’t agree.

I don’t think you’re dead. I don’t think Hinata Shouyou could die just like that. It’s too beneath you. I know you, and I know you’re not dead. I also know that someone like you could absolutely run away with no words said. The same selfish _you_ as the one who hid your injuries from me, your mysterious scratches and bruises that I will never get an answer to because you’re gone and I don’t ever want to talk to your family again. You left and you’re never going to be able to read these letters. I tried to give you a chance, dumbass. But life moves on. And I’m out of chances.

Kageyama

###

**2015, January 18**

Dear Shouyou,

I quit volleyball. I’m sorry. It reminds me too much of you. I’ve been avoiding everyone.

It’s the beginning of the end; the last term of our last year. I can’t face them. Every time I see Yachi it’s like a punch to the gut. There’s so much hatred in her eyes I can taste it from across any room. I don’t hate you. You weren’t here for the New Year and I couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt. It’s like I opened a floodgate and all of the hurt I held back is now rushing over me. It doesn’t even come in waves—it just hurts all the fucking time. It’s like someone tried hammering the handle of a sword into different parts of my body instead of the blade. I can only imagine this is what the angry red on your back felt like. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me things. I hope you’re safe now, at least.

I’ve tried imagining where you could have gone and it’s useless every time. Where are you? I just want to know. I don’t need you to come back and I don’t want to see you again, but at the same time, I’m so afraid that I never will. I’m so afraid that you’re gone forever and your stupid smile and your loud voice and your dumb optimism are really lost and I’m never going to see you again. God, Hinata, if I told you how many times I hear someone laughing unreservedly and I think of you, you’d laugh at _me_. It’s ridiculous how many times a day I think about you. How I associate any kind of happiness with you. Which is fucking depressing, since the only happiness I ever see is from the people around me anymore. I don’t have any friends right now, I guess. No one I talk to or confide in, anyway. Just you. And you left.

I don’t want to hate you, you know? It’s just easier. It’s easier to hate you. Because right now, loving you means facing your disappearance and the things people say about it. And Hinata, I don’t have the energy. I’m exhausted. Please don’t be mad. I’m too tired. I want to fall asleep for a couple of years and wake up when all the hurt has passed. Except I don’t think it ever really will.

I don’t think the hurt will ever just _disappear_. It’s a bit like matter in that sense, isn’t it? It can’t ever be destroyed. It just translates into other things, like new friends or a new life. I’m not there yet. I’m still stuck in your shadow. The hurt is still hurt and I am still here. When I think about you I feel like I am drowning. Which is, unfortunately, all the time.

Right now I’ve been thinking about our conversation the week before you disappeared. How I said I didn’t love you yet. How I realised I do love you. How I started hating you a little. I’m trying to figure out where I am now, but it’s weird. I don’t think I’m anywhere. It’s not that I don’t love you anymore, just that I’m scared I’ll stop one day. I don’t want to move on, dumbass. But I don’t think I want you back either. I think I just want everything to stop. For a while or forever. Doesn’t matter. I need a break. I’m tired and I miss my friends. I know they’re mad at me for quitting. But I can’t bring myself to go back. Tsukishima thinks I’m a coward and Yamaguchi is mad. I wish I could stop caring like I did in September but I care too much. So much that I feel like I’m going under.

Maybe you’ll be back one day. Maybe I should stay here for university. I don’t know yet. I’m figuring things out. Come home soon. Please.

Kageyama

###

**2015, March 15**

Dear Shouyou,

I can’t sleep. I’m graduating tomorrow and I don’t really want to, but it’s nice to know that after this comes freedom.

Things aren’t okay yet, but change is coming, I think. I haven’t gone back to volleyball—I can’t, don’t expect me to, please—but I’ve been talking to people again. Yachi’s the one holding us third-years together, and I’m grateful. She pushed Yamaguchi to talk to me. It was awkward at first, but we’re okay. Tsukishima’s still avoiding me but I think he’s doing better. I hope so.

Every time I think about university my chest feels like it’s curling in on itself and the world is going to topple and I’m floating. The school counsellor said that’s a panic attack. I’ve been having a lot of those recently. It aches so bad, Hinata, and it always comes back to you. Always. I don’t want to go to university and get some useless degree in a subject I don’t give a shit about instead of what we planned. It’s dumb. I’m dumb. I’m sad and I’m dumb and I love you and you’re never going to know that because you left before I could say it. Fuck you. I just wanted to say goodbye. I just wanted to see you one last time. But I can’t and I’m coming to terms with the idea that I might never be able to.

It’s a full year since you ran away today. I need to stop saying ‘ran away’, don’t I? I need to stop assuming there’s more for you. That’s what people keep telling me. I finally plucked up the courage and saw Daichi-san and Suga-san and all our seniors. I didn’t mention quitting volleyball, but I think Yamaguchi or Yachi must have told them since Noya-san ignored me like all hell. It was all awful and no one knew what to say, but I’m glad I met them. We talked about shit from their last year and our first. Nobody said your name, but I know we were all thinking about it.

I’m going to go on a gap year. That might be the first thing I’ve been this certain about since you left, but I don’t think I can do university just yet. I don’t think I’m ready to translate the hurt you left me with into a new life just yet. I don’t think I can leave this place. There’s too much of you here and I want to drink it in as much as I can before we graduate and no one at Karasuno remembers your name anymore.

Hinata, I don’t know what I would have been without you. I wish I knew, but I don’t. Before you, I was nothing. I hadn’t been born yet. After you, I’ll be nothing again. The world is ever-changing and colourful and I feel like I am stuck in the past. I’m working on it. You probably wouldn’t want me to stay here, but you’re fucking gone, so it’s not like you have a say in anything I do anyway.

I wish you did, though. I wish you were still here to yell at me for quitting and giving up. I wish you were still here to remind me of what we promised each other. I wish you were still here for me to ask you about the marks on your back. I wish you were still here to smile and laugh and tell me I’m overthinking everything. I wish you were still here but you’re not and nothing I can write will change that.

Nothing I can write will change anything because you left and you’re probably dead and these letters will never reach you. I don’t know what to do with them so I might as well put them in a bottle and throw them into the ocean. Who knows. I don’t need them and neither do you. Hinata, it’s been a year since you left and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces you left behind.

Yours,

Kageyama

P.S. I still love you. I do.

**Author's Note:**

> hello. thank you for reading this. i was hit with inspiration at 10:30 pm a night ago and then i wrote this in the next 12 hours and edited it earlier today. i’m awful at canon timelines and shit so i’ve kind of stopped trying but i hope this is at least slightly coherent. fuck kagehina lives amiright?


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